“Every time a teacher provides a nurturing co-regulatory experience, they both support the student in the moment and strengthen the student’s ability to regulate stress over time.
The influence of being soothed and comforted in times of distress helps students build their own capacity for self-regulation (Brumariu, 2015).”
Brunzell & Norrish, 2021: 130
As teachers and early childhood educators, you play a critical role in shaping how children navigate their world, particularly when they’ve experienced adversity.
One key approach you can use to support children and teens who have faced trauma or significant stress is co-regulation. This concept stems from attachment theory and trauma-informed care, where you act as an emotional anchor, helping students manage their emotions until they can do so independently. While this is an essential task of parents, when teachers and early childhood educators operate from this framework they can make a huge difference in the lives of the young people they work with.
In this blog, I’ll explore what co-regulation is, why it’s so beneficial, how it aligns with PACEful responses (from Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, or DDP), and offer practical examples in an educational setting for young children, middle childhood, and adolescents.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process by which one person helps another calm down or stay regulated when their nervous system is dysregulated. For children, especially those who have experienced trauma or adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), their ability to self-regulate may be underdeveloped. This is often because their brain has learned to operate in survival mode (fight, flight, freeze), rather than feel safe and open to learning.
In co-regulation, a trusted adult (such as a teacher) uses their own calm, predictable, and attuned presence to help a dysregulated child return to a more balanced state. This isn’t about solving the problem for the child, but rather being a calming presence that helps them learn to manage their feelings. Over time, co-regulation builds the child’s capacity for self-regulation.
Many teachers will be using co-regulation naturally without realising it. If you are a teacher who will crouch down to talk to student, move side by side or shoulder to shoulder, speak softly and remain calm, then you are naturally engaging in co-regulation. The trick is to then become more intentional in doing so.
Why Co-Regulation is Helpful
For children with ACEs or developmental trauma, their stress response systems are often highly sensitive. When faced with a challenging situation, they might become overwhelmed, shut down, or react with intense emotions. Remember “challenging” is defined by the student’s perception and not by the adult so something that you think is completely fine such as introducing a new topic for learning, having a relief teacher cover your class, or an off handed comment from a peer could be “challenging” and activate the student’s stress response.
Co-regulation helps people stay engaged in the present moment, feel safe, and gradually develop the ability to regulate their emotions. By providing co-regulation, teachers foster a sense of safety in the classroom, which allows students to learn and connect with others more effectively. It also send messages of unconditional positive regard, that the student is valued a as a person, regardless of their struggles.
“Staying with a student in distress until they feel better both supports them in that moment and communicates a sense of genuine acceptance and support:
“You are distressed but it is okay. I am here for you”.”
Brunzell & Norish, 2021: 105
How Co-Regulation Fits with PACEful Responses
PACE, developed as part of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) by Dan Hughes, stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy. These are qualities you can embody to create a safe relational space where co-regulation can take place. It’s a fantastic way to develop authentic, connected relationships with your students.
Playfulness can lighten situations and help children feel more connected and less defensive.
Acceptance communicates to the child that their feelings are valid, even if their behaviour isn’t appropriate.
Curiosity helps you explore the child’s experience without judgment, asking yourself, “I wonder what’s happening for them right now?”
Empathy shows that you’re attuned to their emotional state and willing to sit with them in their distress.
When you combine co-regulation with a PACEful response, you are offering a deeply supportive interaction where the child feels understood, accepted, and safe, even in moments of dysregulation.
Co-Regulation in Practice
Young Children (Ages 4-7)
Scenario: A young child becomes overwhelmed and starts crying after their artwork gets torn during class. What the teacher does:
Approach calmly: Kneel down to the child’s level and speak in a soft, soothing voice.
Empathy and Curiosity: “I can see you’re really upset that your picture got torn. I wonder if it was very special to you?”
Non-verbal co-regulation: Offer physical proximity or a hand on their back (with permission). Your calm tone, slow breathing, and grounded posture help signal safety.
Acceptance: Acknowledge their feelings without trying to fix the situation right away. “It’s okay to feel sad about this. I’m here with you.”
This simple act of being with the child as they experience distress, and not rushing to fix the problem, allows them to feel held emotionally. Once they are calmer, you can guide them through what to do next.
Young Children (Ages 4-7)
Scenario: A child is having a tantrum because they lost a game during recess and are refusing to line up with the class. What the teacher does:
Stay physically close: Without forcing the child to move, the teacher sits nearby at their level, providing a calm and steady presence.
Use Playfulness and Empathy: “Oh, I see you’re feeling really upset because the game didn’t go how you wanted. Games can be tricky sometimes, huh? Let’s take a deep breath together.”
Co-regulation through touch and modelling calm: If the child is receptive, the teacher might gently hold their hand or guide them in taking deep breaths together, saying, “Let’s calm our bodies so we can think about what we’ll do next.”
This allows the child to feel seen and soothed, helping them transition from a heightened emotional state back to a more regulated one.
Middle Childhood (Ages 8-11)
Scenario: A student becomes frustrated and starts shouting during a group project when they feel excluded. What the teacher does:
Stay calm: Approach the situation without raising your own voice or showing frustration.
Empathy: “It sounds like you’re feeling really left out right now. That must feel so hard.”
Curiosity: “Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”
Offer space: Suggest taking a few deep breaths together, or stepping aside for a moment to regroup.
In this moment, the teacher is modelling how to stay regulated and helping the student feel understood, which de-escalates the situation and opens the door for a constructive conversation about their feelings and the group dynamic.
Middle Childhood (Ages 8-11)
Scenario: A student gets upset after being unable to solve a math problem, crumples their paper, and pushes their chair away from the desk in frustration. What the teacher does:
Approach with Acceptance: The teacher calmly walks over and says, “I see that math problem was really frustrating. It’s okay to feel like that sometimes.”
Pause and offer space: “Let’s take a short break. How about we walk over to the window and take a breath before we look at this again?”
Use Curiosity and Support: After a brief walk or quiet moment, the teacher might say, “What do you think was the trickiest part? Let’s see if we can figure it out together.”
This approach validates the child’s emotions, provides a break to reset, and models how to approach frustration calmly.
Adolescents (Ages 12-18)
Scenario: An adolescent storms out of the classroom after a disagreement with another student during a debate. What the teacher does:
Pause and approach: Give the student a moment before approaching them outside the classroom. Speak in a calm and non-confrontational manner.
Curiosity and Empathy: “It seems like that debate really frustrated you. I wonder what it was about the conversation that felt so intense?”
Offer a regulation tool: Encourage a strategy like taking a few minutes to cool down or walking together quietly. “Let’s take a walk, and then if you want to talk more, I’m here.”
Acceptance and Playfulness: Normalize their experience without making it too heavy. “It’s hard when we get caught up in our emotions, isn’t it? Let’s figure this out together.”
For adolescents, co-regulation involves a mix of empathy, curiosity, and giving them space to express themselves, while also offering subtle guidance on how to manage their emotions without shutting them down.
Adolescents (Ages 12-18)
Scenario: A high school student is slumped at their desk, clearly disengaged from the lesson. When approached, they mutter something negative and avoid eye contact. What the teacher does:
Non-judgmental Curiosity: The teacher calmly approaches and says in a quiet voice, “Hey, you seem like something’s really weighing on you today. Want to take a minute to talk, or just get some space?”
Empathy and Acceptance: If the student responds, the teacher listens without interrupting or offering solutions right away. They might say, “That sounds like a tough situation, I get why you’re feeling off.”
Co-regulate by providing options: After listening, the teacher might offer choices: “It’s okay if you’re not ready to get back to work right now. You can stay here and take a break, or we can go for a walk outside for a few minutes to clear your head.”
This allows the adolescent to feel understood, reduces the pressure to conform, and offers a constructive way to manage their emotions with guidance.
Benefits of Co-Regulation for Children and Teens with Adverse Life Experiences
Children who have faced trauma often struggle to trust adults and feel safe in school environments. Co-regulation helps repair these relational wounds by offering them a consistent, calm presence that they can rely on. Over time, as their brains learn to associate adults with safety rather than stress, their capacity to self-regulate will grow. They’ll be better able to focus, manage conflict, and engage positively with their peers and schoolwork.
For teachers, the practice of co-regulation is not only about preventing meltdowns or managing difficult behaviour—it’s about creating a classroom environment where all students, regardless of their background, can feel safe, connected, and ready to learn.
By incorporating co-regulation into your daily interactions, you can help children develop the essential skills for emotional self-regulation. Whether through offering a calm presence, using PACEful responses, or simply sitting with a student in their distress, your role is vital in helping them feel understood and capable of navigating their emotions. And in the long run, this will not only benefit them emotionally, but it will enhance their overall learning experience.
“In addition to being imperative for learning, strong teacher-student relationships are central for wellbeing. One of the most robust findings of the wellbeing literature is that social connectedness is related to psychological and physical health (Myers, 2000; Uchino, Cacioppo, & Kiecolt-Glaser, 1996). For children and adolescents, who spend a substantial amount of time at school, a sense of connectedness and relatedness to their teachers is of primary importance. For students, strong relationships with teachers foster a sense of belonging and connectedness to the school community (Allen et al, 2018). Fascinatingly, strong student-teacher relationships are also important to teachers’ wellbeing (Spilt, Koomen, & Thijs, 2011).”
Brunzell & Norrish, 2021: 125
Leonie :)
Dr Leonie White - Clinical Family Therapist and Psychologist
Helping people grow, connect and thrive in life’s unique journey.
Please note - this article is educational in nature and does not constitute therapy advice.
Please seek help from a professional if you require support.
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