Language is powerful and has a remarkable ability to shape our perceptions, beliefs, and actions.
This means that the way we speak has the potential to shape, limit or empower us and the people in our lives, including our kids and teens. In this blog I am sharing with you some of my favourite ways of speaking with kids and teens and why they work. While there are no magic tricks that work in all situations for all kids, if you are a parent, carer, educator, coach or have kids and teens in your life you might like to consider these language gems and pop them in your parenting, teaching or mentoring tool kit because different tools work on different days with different kids.
Transform Your Child's Mindset with the Magic of “Yet”
The words we choose can shape our children's perspectives and open doors to new opportunities. One small but powerful word that can make a world of difference is "yet."
Often, we encounter challenges that make us feel stuck or things we feel unable to do. But instead of saying, "I can't do it," try adding "yet" to the end of that sentence: "I can't do it... yet." This simple shift can have a profound impact on our mindset and is a fantastic way to talk with our children and shape the way they talk to themselves.
When faced with a difficult task we want to support our kids to move from "I can’t do this," to adopt a growth mindset of "I may not have mastered it yet, but with effort and practice, I will improve." We can take the lead to support our kids to develop this way of thinking by gently paraphrasing their words and adding yet “you can’t do it yet”.
The word yet is also fantastic in schools. Imagine a student struggling with a difficult subject. Saying "I don't understand this" might lead to a sense of frustration and defeat. However, saying "I don't understand this yet" ignites motivation to seek help and persist, key tools for improvement and learning.
By incorporating "yet" we move from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. A fixed mindset is one where we believe our abilities and intelligence are static and unchangeable. On the other hand, a growth mindset believes in the potential for progress and improvement and embraces the idea that our abilities can be developed through dedication, effort, and learning.
When we help our kids adopt a growth mindset, we teach them that failures are not the end but opportunities to learn and grow and setbacks become stepping stones toward success. Instead of feeling defeated by challenges, they begin to see them as chances to improve and develop. And so, the next time you or your child faces a challenge, remember the magic of "yet."
Using growth mindset language with your family can foster resilience and a hopeful attitude towards learning and developing in all aspects of life. Imagine the positive change you could inspire by harnessing the power of "yet." You might just be surprised at what this makes possible for you and your kids.
Embracing "Becoming" and the Growth Mindset
The word “yet” isn’t the only gem. Let's talk about "becoming" and how it fits with developing a growth mindset.
"Becoming" is one of those fantastic words that shapes our thoughts and perceptions by reminding us of our constant evolution and growth as human beings...and it enables us to change our actions. A great reminder for us, and a great belief to foster in our kids and teens.
Instead of being fixated on where we are right now, "becoming" encourages us to focus on life as a continuous journey. It reminds us we are not defined by our current perspective, thinking, feeling, abilities or limitations, but by our willingness to evolve and develop. This supports a growth mindset, believing in our potential for growth and seeing challenges as opportunities for learning and progress.
This is great language we can also use to help ourselves, which in turn is great modelling for our kids. Imagine you need to give a presentation at your workplace, and you don’t feel confident about it. Instead of labelling yourself as "bad at public speaking," shift to "I am becoming a better public speaker." This change in language empowers you to seek opportunities to practice and improve your skills.
What a fantastic way for us to speak to ourselves, and to help our kids speak to themselves as well. This language enables children to see themselves as continually evolving and changing and it helps us as parents give the message that their personality and abilities are not set in stone but do evolve and change over time. This is particularly helpful if your child is struggling with something.
Imagine your child is learning to play guitar, and they're struggling with a particular song. They might get frustrated and say, "I'll never be as good as the other kids in the music class." As a parent or educator, you can respond with growth mindset language saying, "You're on a journey of learning to play guitar. It's natural to face challenges and what really matters is your persistence and progress. Keep practicing, and you might just surprise yourself with how you’re becoming a better musician."
By using "becoming," you shift the focus to recognizing their personal growth. This helps your child understand that becoming proficient takes time, effort, and practice. Encouraging them to measure their progress against their own past performances fosters a sense of self-awareness and encourages a healthy pursuit of improvement.
Take some time think about the power of "becoming" and how you can support your child’s development through reflecting back to them different things you notice like, "I notice you are becoming braver at trying new things", “I notice that you are becoming more organised in the morning, doing the things you need to do”.
By using this language, we help our children see themselves differently, and we help ourselves see our children differently. This open doors to possibilities to break limitations we impose on ourselves and others, and to break unhelpful patterns we might be stuck in. I encourage you to use empowering language that fosters growth and possibility with “becoming” and “yet” and see what happens. Remember, life is a journey, and we are all in the process of “becoming”.
Empowering Kids with the word "Or"
Language matters and here’s a way to use language intentionally as a huge help in parenting, the word "Or". Having some power and control is a basic human need, and as parents, we can find ourselves juggling our children’s need for power and control with ensuring their safety and well-being. That's where the magic of "Or" comes in handy. Instead of always resorting to strict "do this” and “don’t do that” instructions and getting into power struggles, we offer a limited choice with the word “or”, making kids feel respected and responsible for their decisions, and meeting their need for autonomy.
There is power in choice and it’s helpful to give kids and teens choice whenever feasible. Experiencing choice helps to develop their decision-making abilities and creates a sense of agency – the feeling that they matter and can have an effect on their world.
It's important not to give too many choices or unlimited choices though, especially for younger kids. Instead of overwhelming with countless options, use “limited choices” with the word “or” by presenting a few carefully selected choices that you are okay with. This will empower our kids to make decisions while avoiding the overwhelm that too many choices can create. It’s also important to keep the choices age appropriate.
How does it work? Let's say your child is getting dressed in the morning. Instead of asking, "What do you want to wear from your entire wardrobe?" offer two specific outfits like, "Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt today?" This encourages decision-making, while still maintaining a sense of control. Here's more examples: “Afternoon snacks are fruit, crackers, or yoghurt – which one would you like?” “You can wear your hat and play outside, or you can play inside”.
Using "Or" helps avoid power struggles, reduce meltdowns, create a positive environment, build relationships, and fosters independence and problem-solving skills. Kids have a say, which can be empowering for their development, encouraging independence and responsibility while still allowing you to maintain parental guidance and boundaries. So why don’t you try harnessing the power of language with the word OR?
Encouraging Kids with the word "Noticing"
So far in considering the power of language I have shared the power of the words “yet”, “becoming” and “or”. Now let's talk about "noticing" and how it fits with developing a growth mindset, supports positive behaviour, and supports development of skills and emotional competence.
In parenting our words can have a big impact on the way our kids feel and also how they behave. Now let's talk about "noticing" and how it fits with developing a growth mindset, supports positive behaviour, and supports the development of skills and emotional competence. It's a small yet powerful word that can make a big difference in our kid’s lives and in family life.
When we "notice" our children, we show them that we are paying attention and that we value their efforts and progress. It's about acknowledging their achievements, no matter how big or small, and providing positive reinforcement along the way. By using this word, we create a nurturing environment where our kids feel seen, appreciated, and encouraged to take on new challenges. Here’s an example, imagine saying "I am noticing you are getting braver!" when your child has tried something new. Imagine what it might mean to your child to hear these words of acknowledgement and affirmation from you. It can really boost their self-confidence and motivate them to keep pushing their boundaries.
We can also use “noticing” to shape positive, responsible behaviours e.g., “I noticed you remembered to pack your boots for footy training”, “I noticed you got yourself ready this morning on time.” This positive noticing is a subtle shift away from constantly directing kids, or overpraising and really helps with inner motivation.
So, how can we embrace the power of "noticing" in our parenting journey?
Be Attentive: Take the time to observe your child and “catch” the moments when they step out of their comfort zone, face their fears, show responsibility for themselves or make good choices.
Use specific praise: Instead of generic compliments, be specific about what you're noticing. For example, say, "I am noticing how you tried that new activity even though you were nervous.”
Use "noticed" more often: Acknowledge their efforts, not just their outcomes. This encourages kids to keep going, even when things get tough.
Why not try "noticing" as part of your daily language with your kids and teens? This can really help build self-esteem, cultivate bravery, and supports a growth mindset that will serve them throughout their lives. Remember, our words have the power to shape our children's beliefs, mindset, behaviour, and sense of who they are.
Shaping Positive Behaviour and Relationships with the word “Thanks”
In family life, the word “thanks" is a simple yet influential word to develop relationships and shape positive behaviour in children. “Thanks” is more than an expression of gratitude; it's a powerful language tool that parents, educators, and caregivers can use to foster a positive and nurturing environment for growth and well-being. E.g., Saying "thanks" to children lays the groundwork for respect. As you show respect you are modelling and teaching kids to show respect to themselves and others.
“Thanks” also helps children feel appreciated and valued. This helps a child's sense of belonging and self-worth. The simple act of saying "thanks" communicates to children that their contributions are noticed and valued and that they matter.
The word “thanks” is also a great way to shape positive behaviour. You matter to your children and so when you notice something your child has done that you appreciate and thank them for, this serves as powerful positive reinforcement. When children are acknowledged and praised for their positive actions, they are more likely to repeat those behaviours. Regular expressions of gratitude create a positive feedback loop, reinforcing desirable behaviour and encouraging a child to contribute positively to their environment. This works best if you are specific with descriptive praise and thanks e.g., “Thanks for clearing the table, that was a big help.”
Another great benefit of the word “thanks” is that it encourages positive behaviour by harnessing the power of presupposition. A presupposition means assuming something e.g., assuming competence or teamwork and cooperation. This is a subtle yet effective way to utilize the word "thanks" by incorporating it as a presupposition in your communication with children. When you phrase requests or directions with an embedded presupposition of gratitude, it subtly reinforces the expectation that the child will comply. For instance, saying "I need you to take the bin out thanks" implies an assumption that the child will indeed do so, creating an implicit sense of responsibility.
This use of language works by presupposing a positive outcome, subtly guiding children towards behaviours that align with the expressed gratitude. It not only encourages positive behaviour but also empowers children by framing tasks as contributions for which they will be acknowledged. Over time, using languge this way can become a powerful tool for developing wellbeing in children, developing relationships with children, and shaping positive behaviour, as children internalize the expectation of being helpful and cooperative, driven by the desire to receive acknowledgment and thanks, and experience a positive connection with you.
In the journey of raising kids, the word "thanks" is a powerful parenting helper, modelling respect and gratitude, shaping and encouraging positive behaviour and helping children feel appreciated and a part of the family “team”. Do you already use “thanks” with your kids? Like all parenting strategies we don’t want to overuse the word “thanks”, it has to be genuine and authentic, but it might just be worth your time to think about how you can bring this into your parenting language.
Like all approaches to helping our kids grow into the best version of themselves, and in supporting big feelings and challenging behaviours, these language gems will work best in the context of a connected relationship. A secure and loving relationship forms the basis for absolutely everything else. If you are curious to find out more about building relationships to grow kids into great humans check out this blog
And then decide… How will you sprinkle these language gems into your relationship with the kids and teens in your life?
Leonie :)
Dr Leonie White - Clinical Family Therapist and Psychologist
Helping people grow, connect and thrive in life’s unique journey.
Please note - this article is educational in nature and does not constitute therapy advice.
Please seek help from a professional if you require support.
Photo Attributions:
Photos from Vecteezy Pro & Canva Pro
Comments